Remember that the words are often a projection of their own feelings Understand that the words say more about the person speaking than the person spoken to Look beneath the words to find the intention In their book, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, Carol Munter and Jane Hirschmann use the phrase “speaking in code” to refer to the well-meaning friends and relatives whose statements about us say more about their own anxiety than our reality. Questions like, “Have you got your (class schedule, phone, homework, lunch, mask, etc.)?” are really about my own anxiety and only serve to make my kids feel insulted, like I don’t trust them to either take care of things themselves or to recover when they don’t take care of things. “Are you OK? You look/seem (exhausted, like you’ve gained weight, worried, pale, etc.).”Īs a mother of two teens, I find myself falling into this concern/insult trap far too frequently. Have you ever felt strangely insulted when someone voices their concern for you? Even if something is wrong.
